While the majority of my Facebook friends wished for 2016 to end and while posts were written of all the negative events that have happened in the last year, there I sat in the last few days before the clock struck 12 wishing that the days would just slow down.
Now 17 days after the world welcomed 2017, only two words (or rather hashtags) could explain how I’ve been feeling lately.
I always saw the hashtags #SEPANX and #FOMO around social media and never really knew what it meant until the latter part of 2016. I then never really had a reason to use it myself and nor could I relate much to it as it never really made any relevance to my life.
I’ve been scared of admitting this to myself with the fear that once a tear starts welling up in my eye that it won’t stop. I remember the day before I took my sister and my nephews to the airport, we joked about how we’re not the type of siblings that dwelled on sad goodbyes. And on the day after giving them kisses and hugs, I returned to the car and stayed there and kept telling myself, “You’re not gonna cry, you guys are not like that, you’re not gonna cry.” And so I didn’t and I’ve been holding it back ever since.
I drive to and from work in silence everyday. During the Christmas holidays, amidst the chaos of having the kids running a muck, the car radio disappeared. I thought that perhaps it would be good therapy for me, you know, to be more aware of my surroundings and to be able to listen to my thoughts after an entire month of craziness with the family. But lately, I’ve been waking up feeling empty and I’ve found myself dragging my feet. My thoughts are always about being back in NZ, being an aunt to my nephews, continuing the life I had there 6 years ago. Being closer to my brother and his kids in PNG, being able to drive for less than an hour to a clean beach where you wouldn’t need to pay to hang out. Summers are always fun in NZ.
It’s not even about the reasons why I find the Philippines a hard place to live in. For 6 years, I’ve been looking for the good in this place and thought I had found it last year when I spent a lot of my time traveling around the country. There is the good, but there will always be that feeling of wanting to be in NZ. What sucks the most about it is that I’ve continuously pinched myself to snap out of it but the feeling keeps coming back and this time, it has come back stronger than ever.
And so now I totally understand what it’s like to have a feeling of #sepanx and #fomo while watching videos of my nephews having fun in the sun and soaking in the kiwi summer.
Maybe it’s just another phase, maybe I’ll snap out of it. Maybe I just needed to get this off my chest and maybe it was about time I blogged again. Or maybe I just need to get back on the saddle again and start pedalling and traveling again.
I just know that if this feeling keeps lingering for the next month or so, that it’s time to get serious about moving on.